Roy Mustang's Field Journal
by Beater with a Brain
Summary: A pure crack fic in the style of Bridget Jones' Diary. Roy Mustang has been sent to anger management for trying to strangle a subordinate and now finds himself having to write a diary. But maybe anger management is the least of his problems. Roy/Ed


Author's Notes: Okay, so this is supposed to be pure unadulterated crack. I suspect I will still get some hate mail for this, but we'll see. Because it is crack, I don't feel the need to explain why everything is as it is in this fic, particularly the Roy-Ed pairing or why they are so open about it; basically it just is because of the crackiness that goes on.

Anyway, I feel the need to say that this was not all my idea. What I did was make a meme of sorts based on some other fics, both crack and not, and asked my friend to fill it out with characters from one fandom in order. She did and then I had to write a crack fic about it in the style of Bridget Jones's diary. I could swear that she looked at the meme beforehand because most of it, she would write about in a non-crack fic.

So, I think that's it for now, except the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Full-Metal Alchemist is the intellectual property of Hiromu Arakawa. This fic is written solely for the enjoyment of other fans and no money is being made from it.

And now enjoy…

**Roy Mustang's Field Journal**

**Chapter 1: March**

March 1

Feury stole my fudge rounds. Tried to strangle the twat. Sent to anger management by Hawkeye. Therapist told me to keep a diary. Daddy Hughes said to think of as Field Journal. Will try to think of it that way. Am gay, but not gay enough for diary.

March 2

Am going crazy because Ed is still on mission. Think will buy him new dress to wear when he gets back. Nothing pink or red; is bad for Ed's complexion. Clashes with his adorable blush.

March 3

Bought dress for Ed to wear. Is Lolita style, dark purple and white. Will hopefully not clash with complexion.

March 4

Bored. Decided to put lackeys to work painting the office wing. Obviously not going to paint own office, or have lackeys paint it for that matter. Stark white is powerful and intimidating. Especially after seeing fuscia walls in wing outside office. Half hoping lackeys will get dizzy looking at fuscia walls. Might make them stare at walls if they annoy me.

March 6

Had to go on drug bust today. Got hit on by leader of gang we busted. Goes by name of Greed. Told am in committed relationship. Is far too masc for my tastes anyway. Prefer femme boys.

March 7

Had tea with Winry today. Must have her move here to central. Am going far too far away to have tea.

March 8

Went to therapist today. Therapist asked about my childhood and suggested urge to kill people may result from childhood trauma. Asked therapist if childhood trauma led to her wanting to be therapist. Received cold look.

March 9

Got memo from Hawkeye today. Said will shoot me if has to stare at fuscia walls anymore. Have decided to make lackeys paint walls in her office sea green instead. Hopefully will be more calming. Hopefully fewer death threats.

March 10

Watched lackeys paint Hawkeye's office. Let Hawkeye watch with me because am v scared of her with a gun. Had Feury fan us and feed us grapes while the others painted Hawkeye's office lovely sea green color. Little twat will learn not to steal fudge rounds.

March 12

Izumi-sensei came to the office today. Sparred together and got to actually kick her ass for once. Was v proud of myself. Gloated. Got kicked in balls. Have had frozen peas in lap all afternoon.

March 13

Superiors have found out about fuscia walls. Told me to repaint them. Did not specify color to repaint walls. Have decided on turquoise. Spent another day watching lackeys paint walls. Is much more enjoyable than you might think.

March 14

Had tea with Winry again. Asked if she had heard from Ed. Was told no. Winry is happy that Ed has not broken automail again yet. Said automail has lasted record amount of time this time. Seemed proud. Asked Winry about moving to central. Said she would if I pay for housing. Must look into housing for teenaged girl.

March 15

Went to see therapist today. Woman asked about my father. Told her I never knew my father. Woman asked if I wanted to kill my father for leaving me. Told her no because wouldn't know who to kill. Honestly think woman is not too smart.

March 16

Had a meeting today with Fuhrer Bradley. Met his kid. Kid ate cheerios at meeting and suggested we try to improve relations with Xing by sending diplomats to Xingian New Year. Kid is v creepy.

March 17

Hawkeye suggested I get a cat. Suggested she get a cat instead. She pointed out she has a dog. Pointed out I have one too. She told me not to call Ed a dog. Showed her Ed's leash. She suggested I discuss that at therapy and did not bring up cat again.

March 18

Have been looking at my alchemist's pocket watch and determined that would be perfect place to put picture. Pitched idea to Daddy Hughes, who said I was an idiot for not thinking of it earlier. Immediately cropped picture of Elysia to put in Hughes' watch. Then realized Hughes does not have watch. Was again told I am an idiot.

March 22

Met with therapist. Woman asked about my mother. Told her didn't know my mother either. Told her she should let me tell her things before she asked random shit. Woman looked offended. Woman told me to talk about childhood. Asked where she got her doctorate. Woman seemed offended. Was v satisfying.

March 24

Ed came home yesterday. Went home early and spent day having nookie with him. Did not give him new dress yet. Will give it to him later tonight. Cannot wait to see Ed in little dress.

March 25

Ed in little Lolita dress was v sexy. Decided to leave it on during nookie.

March 26

Hawkeye sent another threatening memo. Said she would shoot me if I took magenta lip stain again. Told her did not take magenta lip stain. Told her magenta is not my color. Told her I only wear baby pink lip stain. Do not think she believes me.

March 28

Took Ed to have tea with Winry. Winry hit him in head with wrench because he did not come to see her earlier. Ed said he wanted to spend time with me before going to see her and suggested she doesn't get it because she is not getting laid. Then Winry hit me in head with wrench.

March 29

Saw therapist today. Made me draw pictures of childhood. Got her to draw pictures with me. Made her explain her pictures before I would explain mine. Threw her off guard. Listened to her make up stuff about her childhood. Think I will pretend to have some disorder. Will consult Ed and Daddy Hughes.

March 30

Met with Ed and Daddy Hughes to discuss what disorder to pretend to have. Daddy Hughes said I didn't have to pretend, I just had to talk about what I did with Ed. Ed punched him in the face and broke his glasses. Told Daddy Hughes to be grateful Ed used his left hand.


End file.
